Starting Again

I'm going to do it, I am completely done with eating and with being big and with feeling terrible. I am going to be skinny, skinny and perfect. I don't want to see fat on my hips and stomach and arms and legs. It's absolutely hideous, I'm getting rid of it, I'm going to become a whole new person, a beautiful person. I've got all the tips and tricks I need, the only other thing I need are diet pills and some aderall. I also need to get my will-power back. I was so good last year. This year I suck. I need to start reading my thin book again, I need to add new pictures to that.
Why do I have to be so fat. Why can't I be the amazing 100 pounds? That's not too skinny for my height that's like a BMI of 18. It needs to be that, no more of this 26 crap, I'm over it. I hate feeling so self-conscience and so bad about myself. It's not as if I'm obesse or anything. I'm a little bit over weight, but in Colorado every girl is tiny. like 90% of my school is skinny. I need to be in that 90%! I really do think my weight is a big part of my unhappiness. If I could just be thin, I could be happy.
I really don't mind fasting and I don't mind being vegan. I love fruits and vegetables and I like the feeling of hunger pains. It's just that it's really embarassing how my stomach is always growling in class. As if it's not bad enough that I'm fat, I have to draw attention to that fact by seeming like I'm constantly hungry. FATTY!!! No wonder Max was embarassed of me, guys want to show off their girlfriends, and I'm just not the kind of girl you show off to people. I want to be that. I want my hip bones showing and my legs always seperated. No more fatty-ness for me. no no

'Ello.

Been a while since I last posted, or so it seems from my last posting. Last post was about Max, and how I was interested in what would happen correct? Well, things did happen, very good things. One night we were sitting around watching a movie, and we just started kissing. The next day we went to a few coffee shops and talked. A few days later, he left for Alaska. When he came back we went out to dinner and watched another movie. And after another week we were official, then school started.
Apperantly both him and I are completely different people inside and outside of school. After only a week and a half he decided we need to just be friends. For the next week we didn't talk. Once we did start talking, he invited me to go to coffee, which i think i'm going to on Sunday. He also showed up at my work, that was yesterday. However, if we are at school and there are other people around, he has to act completely aloof, if only to boost his own ego. I'm sure it shows, but I am pissed at him. Why? Because he's confusing me, that's why. It seems as if he has not made up his mind as of yet, and I'm very interested to hear what he has to say on Sunday. It better be something very good and very worth my time.

He is the first boy who I ever cared that I wasn't dating. I was convinced that things were going really well. I'm apparently terrible at reading situations, because he was thinking of breaking up essentially the entire time we were dating. Go figure, once again, I'm not the right girl. Will I ever be?

He also made me feel used, again. The last date we went on, he told me he would lose respect for someone who had no boundaries. Then 20 minutes later, he tried to persue things farther than I saw fit, and I told him so. Seeing as we broke up three days later, I'm thinking he may have been using me for some action. I'm tired of people thinking I am like that. I really am not.

I just want to know what's going on. I just want to not be hurt about this anymore.